Finally, the first post! I’m excited to be starting this blog.
I’m gonna share the battles I go through with this eating issue in gory detail, if needs be… and also whatever God’s doing in my life. Me-and-God is really bound up with me-and-food. It’s been this way for a long time.
It’s been an interesting couple of days. I’ve always felt the Spirit has said I should fast Fridays. Yesterday I didn’t, though, thinking I’d do the fast today instead, even though I wasn’t sure if He’d given me the go-ahead on that. It’s a cold winter and we stay out late in the city, and if I don’t eat I get cold. Maybe I’m just being a wuss. But it wasn’t real fun the other week when I did it!… Though at least I actually did the fast! Often I don’t carry it through. Like I said, food is a real issue for me. And unfortunately I’ve taught myself not to persevere, and to give in to doubt easily.
But I didn’t do it today either.
Last night I got hit with so much joy after one of the team shared a word from God for me. She saw Jesus overjoyed at a session I’m gonna be teaching in a few weeks’ time on evangelism. It was such a powerful experience of who He is… And for what seems like a while I’ve been far from seeing God in this light — the joyous, excited Father that He is. I’ve been super-aware of my disobedience towards Him (which has been daily), and I haven’t felt He’s been happy with me at all. Anyway, the whole night last night was wonderful after that. I felt so happy and so full of joy, and everything flowed. I want this every day!!! It wasn’t so hard to obey with eating in that state, either, and dinner was a couple of apples I packed in my backpack.
Today was worse in terms of disobedience. I decided to ignore what my heart was telling me and do what I wanted again, all three meals… And yet God was present to me afterwards each time. The Spirit’s been on me today despite the fact that I’ve ignored what He’s told me to do, and He’s brought me back to clear-mindedness each time. Thankyou, God…
I feel like I need to make a covenant with God about this. Cos the way I’ve been running it thus far hasn’t worked.
A question I have in this: where is the balance between learning to discipline myself and bring my will under my control — and becoming weak so His strength is made perfect in me? I want to love Him and His commands, and lean on Him for the grace to carry them out. But even love for Him comes from Him. And yet! — there’s a need to seek Him for more!! It’s kinda hard to nail this process on paper. Maybe I’m not supposed to be able to.
As I’m sitting here writing this my brother and his girlfriend are watching ‘The Motorcycle Diaries’. It reminds me that there’s so much pain in the world, so much that must grieve Jesus. There’s so much more going on than me and my issues… And so many ways God’s planning to give to this world through me, with me.