Tortured by Possibilities

Monday started well – checking my email on my phone after waking up in the morning, I found an email newsletter with an article from Tania Frankie titled “Dependent”. Here’s a few paragraphs of it:

 

Apart from Me you can do nothing. John 15:5, NASB

Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God. 2 Corinthians 3:5, ESV, emphasis added

God who works all things in all persons. 1 Corinthians 12:6, NASB

Now may the God of peace… produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. Hebrews 13:20-21, NLT
 
Beloved, I’m telling you in the above verses that I don’t merely meet you half way; I am your way! I don’t supplement your strength; I am your strength (Ex 15:2, Ps 118:14). I don’t call you to use as much of your ability as you can and then to rely upon Me for the rest; I am your ability (Zec 4:6). Beloved, without Me you can do nothing.
 
Walking in this truth calls for deep humility and a radical surrender and letting go. Paradoxically, you are unable to produce your own humility, to radically surrender or to let go. You must rely upon Me for these things, as you must rely upon Me for all things. Truly, you are utterly dependent upon Me whether you realize it or not. And understanding and embracing your dependence is a glorious blessing that will bring you to a place of deep faith, trust, peace, joy, and increased awe and love for Me. Beloved, this is what I want for you. This is what I want you to grow in for the rest of your life.
 
How many times have you tried so hard to surrender, obey, love, trust, do the right things, avoid the wrong things, find the courage, muster up faith or joy or peace or gentleness or forgiveness or…? You fill in the blank. What are your struggles? Where do you long to be free? What do you want changed in yourself and in your life? What are your hopes, dreams and aspirations? Beloved, in all these things turn to Me because I am your ability in all things and in all circumstances; I am your sufficiency; I am everything you need for life and godliness (2 Pe 1:3).
 
Tania Frankie
Copyright, 2012

 

SO HOW DO I DO THIS?????

I definitely haven’t been living as if the above is true. I guess I need to keep coming back to this article.

On Monday my parents arrived home from two months overseas. In the atmosphere of celebrating them coming home with my bro & sis, I lost the plot with eating. And today, too (as in Tuesday). I went ahead with the Daniel fast* breakfast and lunch today, but bailed at dinner in the city (catching up with an old friend). It’s depressing typing this out again and again. “I did the wrong thing again.” “I did what I knew I shouldn’t do.” “I’m stuck in this cycle.” I know I can choose to do the right thing — but honestly, in the moment I don’t want to. So then — once again, I feel I need to make a covenant on this. Daniel fast for x amount of time? I want to hear, though, and be settled in what I’ve heard — not just step out into a binding agreement like a covenant without knowing for sure it’s where I’m being led. Though I feel it must be God’s leading — the idea has been echoing around in my heart, and nothing else has worked!

Am I trapped in a perfectionism/performance attitude towards myself? If I am — then I’m also definitely trapped in sin. Father, I pray for your help.
* a “Daniel fast” is eating only undesirable foods i.e. vegetables, a la Daniel chapter 1. It simply makes eating somewhat boring a lot of the time and removes freedom of choice in what to eat.

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